as down as i could get, this is the worst i've ever felt. i just feel emptiness in me yet again. every night i just dream of someone just next to me, cuddling up next to me, just holding me tight to sleep. i want that, i miss it.
neither pain nor cuts nor anger can change anything. but none the less, i still do it. out of stupidity. i just wish im in a new enviroment. just get away from malaysia and live somewhere else. just ... run away from home. run away from my life. run away from my problems. i finally got a job. im going to save up and move out of this country. i cant stand staying here anymore. sell off everything i ever owned. just take the nessecities. clothes, a few reading books, toothbrush, shampoo and ... myself.
every weekend i just want to run, just run far enough to get out of civilization. just to sit under a tree and read a nice book. so far i havent found a good book to read. i would want to run away to singapore. i remember the park near my uncles house. its the most beautiful park in the world. i just want to stay there and just read a book. dont care who's going out looking for me, what everyones thinking, who's anyone worried about. i just cant take it anymore. i wish it would just stop. i do appreciate everyones concern but its just too much burden for me to carry. my shoulder is so small and can only occupy just one burden at a time.
i hate putting on fake smiles, fake laughters, fake stupidity, fake jumping around, fake happiness. my life now is all fake. nothing is real. this must be a dream. im sure im in a coma right now. everyone i ever loved just sitting next to me, waiting for me to wake up, waiting for me to fight it. unfortunately ... im still in this dream of mine. still fighting, still crying.
i dont like this life. everyone will tell me that im so well off. i have everything i ever wanted. i have a car. i have money to go to a good college. i have this, i have that. but no one sees the real picture. my parents are well off because they worked they ass off to get a good income. thats them. i dont want to steal their glory and waste their money on me. yes yes, everyone will say that im their son and shit. say what u want. after getting that money i worked for. im going to give half of it to my parents. i would probably just go to thailand. near and yet, simple life. live with a small family that would accept me, find a job, enjoy the beaches, enjoy the tourist.
thats my plan. hopefully by the end of this year i would get the money. the sooner the better. im done living in malaysia. im done doing cock stunts every day. im done being a faker. im done living my life as a teenager. im done living as derrick teh.
rick.
neither pain nor cuts nor anger can change anything. but none the less, i still do it. out of stupidity. i just wish im in a new enviroment. just get away from malaysia and live somewhere else. just ... run away from home. run away from my life. run away from my problems. i finally got a job. im going to save up and move out of this country. i cant stand staying here anymore. sell off everything i ever owned. just take the nessecities. clothes, a few reading books, toothbrush, shampoo and ... myself.
every weekend i just want to run, just run far enough to get out of civilization. just to sit under a tree and read a nice book. so far i havent found a good book to read. i would want to run away to singapore. i remember the park near my uncles house. its the most beautiful park in the world. i just want to stay there and just read a book. dont care who's going out looking for me, what everyones thinking, who's anyone worried about. i just cant take it anymore. i wish it would just stop. i do appreciate everyones concern but its just too much burden for me to carry. my shoulder is so small and can only occupy just one burden at a time.
i hate putting on fake smiles, fake laughters, fake stupidity, fake jumping around, fake happiness. my life now is all fake. nothing is real. this must be a dream. im sure im in a coma right now. everyone i ever loved just sitting next to me, waiting for me to wake up, waiting for me to fight it. unfortunately ... im still in this dream of mine. still fighting, still crying.
i dont like this life. everyone will tell me that im so well off. i have everything i ever wanted. i have a car. i have money to go to a good college. i have this, i have that. but no one sees the real picture. my parents are well off because they worked they ass off to get a good income. thats them. i dont want to steal their glory and waste their money on me. yes yes, everyone will say that im their son and shit. say what u want. after getting that money i worked for. im going to give half of it to my parents. i would probably just go to thailand. near and yet, simple life. live with a small family that would accept me, find a job, enjoy the beaches, enjoy the tourist.
thats my plan. hopefully by the end of this year i would get the money. the sooner the better. im done living in malaysia. im done doing cock stunts every day. im done being a faker. im done living my life as a teenager. im done living as derrick teh.
rick.
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